Speed Force Rant

OOF!!!!!!! Rough day. But still getting control of myself more and more everyday. Feels good but, I gonna talk to doc about upping the dose. Feel mainly a little mellow. The quickness is still there but, now I am calm between times. Before, I was ALWAYS moving/seeing/thinking/nonstop.

Had it out with Sierra. Now I just have to live up to it so she will "hopefully" fall in line. She is on that fine wire between good and trouble judgement. Trying real hard to make sure she does okay. I just see her not caring about her future and it scares me silly. In ways, she is doing worse than I did at that age. My fears about her future seem bleak to me. But, even some of those thoughts have been turning around some. As much as this earth looks like it is spiraling out of control straight to destroying itself, I still see hope. Because I stuck to sci-fi and fantasy growing up, my inspirations of thoughts are usually from something like Star Trek for the belief in never giving up on hope. She is such a good daughter, Sierra is. We see in our children the potential for greatness that our parents saw in us. Do my parents think of this era as better because of tech and such or worse for the loss of our history. I like to think that we are headed for a future similar to the movie "The Bicentennial Man" instead of "Blade Runner" or "Mad Max". Maybe it will be somewhere in between.

How I miss my boys. The time is making it worse. Today was their first day at the new school. Selfishly (tough) I wanted to talk to them afterwards to hear how it was. Abby told me about how David (I think) ran to his new desk raring to go. "SMILE". Abby said she would have them call, and I did ask them to, last night. Thought I had it covered. So, imagine when 8-8:30 goes by without a call. Figures....should have known. I wonder if Abby does this on purpose to distance herself and her family from me. Or can I continue with the excuse of her being so frazzled with the move. "Can ya see where this thought process is taking you Ethan?" YEP, let it run. The things I ask of Abby for my boys is usually very simple. To have contact and be a part of their lives. Do I ask other superficial things also....of course. But, those two things have always been the driving thought concerning my situation with my children. I was able to get the added bonus of being also the primary guide for Sierra. When I move down to Florida in a couple years, I plan on taking a much more active role in the boys upbringing. I hope Abby realizes that. If not, she and I will obviously be in a real fucking battle. It may be time then to really have it out. Get some things in writing soon. Signing off with that note. Sleepy time.