Speed Force Rant

OOF!!!!!!! Rough day. But still getting control of myself more and more everyday. Feels good but, I gonna talk to doc about upping the dose. Feel mainly a little mellow. The quickness is still there but, now I am calm between times. Before, I was ALWAYS moving/seeing/thinking/nonstop.

Had it out with Sierra. Now I just have to live up to it so she will "hopefully" fall in line. She is on that fine wire between good and trouble judgement. Trying real hard to make sure she does okay. I just see her not caring about her future and it scares me silly. In ways, she is doing worse than I did at that age. My fears about her future seem bleak to me. But, even some of those thoughts have been turning around some. As much as this earth looks like it is spiraling out of control straight to destroying itself, I still see hope. Because I stuck to sci-fi and fantasy growing up, my inspirations of thoughts are usually from something like Star Trek for the belief in never giving up on hope. She is such a good daughter, Sierra is. We see in our children the potential for greatness that our parents saw in us. Do my parents think of this era as better because of tech and such or worse for the loss of our history. I like to think that we are headed for a future similar to the movie "The Bicentennial Man" instead of "Blade Runner" or "Mad Max". Maybe it will be somewhere in between.

How I miss my boys. The time is making it worse. Today was their first day at the new school. Selfishly (tough) I wanted to talk to them afterwards to hear how it was. Abby told me about how David (I think) ran to his new desk raring to go. "SMILE". Abby said she would have them call, and I did ask them to, last night. Thought I had it covered. So, imagine when 8-8:30 goes by without a call. Figures....should have known. I wonder if Abby does this on purpose to distance herself and her family from me. Or can I continue with the excuse of her being so frazzled with the move. "Can ya see where this thought process is taking you Ethan?" YEP, let it run. The things I ask of Abby for my boys is usually very simple. To have contact and be a part of their lives. Do I ask other superficial things also....of course. But, those two things have always been the driving thought concerning my situation with my children. I was able to get the added bonus of being also the primary guide for Sierra. When I move down to Florida in a couple years, I plan on taking a much more active role in the boys upbringing. I hope Abby realizes that. If not, she and I will obviously be in a real fucking battle. It may be time then to really have it out. Get some things in writing soon. Signing off with that note. Sleepy time.

Lazy Days

Sigh, LOL, the kids are all out for the long weekend. The boys are settling into their new digs. Finding friends quickly. =) It's been about 6 months since I had a weekend to myself. Not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. I always knew that if I wanted to, that I could just make a call to Abby (who was really good about this with me) and arrange some kind of visit. Then 30 minutes later, we were running and jumping again. That aspect of my life is the part I am having a hard time with. Sierra is trying really hard too. She thinks she has to be sooooo strong. At least I know she is reaching out to her little support group, and will be okay. All of the pictures of her for the days leading up to the boys leaving had her with a definately bummed look.


I have had some concerns voiced about putting this information out there for all to see. It makes me write slower and a little more carefully than usual but, that is all. I have always been pretty open about who I am. This is no different. If I feel rough about my sons leaving to live in another state, I should be able to express it. This is how I am choosing to do so. I am self medicating again. The writing helps. Also, back on meds for my ADHD. The meds seem to help me turn off my on/off switch better than without. I have always had issues with not being able to turn off my mouth. LOL "understatement" I need to have myself in a better way by the end of this summer. I know I can, I just have to do it. Same old.

We shall see......

You make me come.....

You make me complete......

You make me completely miserable.

Boys to Florida too soon

Abby just told me this is the last weekend here with David and Alex for me. I am crushed. I have obviously known this time would come. But, like always it is still a shock to the system.

Alex....my sweet little boy. I always have had a lighthearted outlook on who you are. You are, and always will be, my sweet little butterfly chaser. As much as I compare you to David (and David "really" sets the bar high) I have always been overjoyed that you "aren't" like David. You both really make me feel like you are my yin and yang. You both are "the" two sides of me and my personalities. You are the artful, emotional, funny side of me. David is the focused, determined, side of me. I always feel like I have slighted you in some way and that is why you haven't reached your potential in the tangible way David has. Then I look at you and realize how wonderful you are, and will never be like David. I am glad of that. I have always said "I will learn more about life from my children than they will ever learn from me." I believe you epitomize that thought. You always make me look inside my own heart to see things. I love you with all that I am and will always be there for you Alex. Don't you ever change.

David....my mirror. You are so much like me it is terrifying. Really, I dont want you to take the same failure laden path I have, but, I am scared you will. Your mind is exactly like mine. I can watch you and understand perfectly what you are thinking at most times. That scares the crap out of me. Would you realize when "not" to do something stupid quicker than I did. I hope beyond hope you do. Besides that, it is a blast to see you form the words to a song like I do. The joy you get out of music and sports like me makes my heart sing. When Sierra was a little girl, I was able to have intelligent adult conversations with her because her soul was so polished already. You have many of the same attributes like that, you and Sierra. Maybe, that is why she seems to fight so much with Alex as opposed to you. Even now, looking at what I am writing about the two of you boys, I want it to be equal. Maybe if I write the same amount of words for both of you,.....it will suffice. LOL. David, believe in who you are, not in who other poeple may want you to be. I love you deeply and will stand behind you in all you do. Keep striving for more of yourself.

"Brothers and sisters forever"

Three into one

Thinking about my past a lot lately.

Today was a great day. With insight into who I am and who I want to be. Last night I googled an old high school girlfriend's name on a whim. A link led me to a blog she has been writing for the past year and a half. It is what led me to try my hand at this. It's a little surreal. Very similiar to the Kfarniks revisiting. Here is a person who is a vital color in my past. My feelings while reading her blog are ones of happyness. The one word that always is bounced around in my mind when I think of her is "write". About ten years ago, when Sierra was around 2 or 3 I ran into her while on my way home from one of my many dead-end jobs. I remember being embarrassed about my situation at the time. I think I always will be. I talked to her one other time as she came to my house with her fiance to pick up a notebook of her writings I had from when we were together. I always was proud of a story I wrote for her when I gave her back the notebook. It was a fictional story of what our lives might have been like in a strange future. And now here I am writing again after being exposed to her color.